That’s a Great Name

Hello and how do. How do. Hello. How do. Can your pussy do the dog? I’m the king of the jungle and my name is Darenn Wyngarde. I spend much of my time wriggling in the mud of the Burselm tombs and delivering an exquisite service to many of the local witches. In my quieter moments I like to roll around on the floor and listen to music. I love music. But only two kinds : Rockabilly and Noise. Everything else is junk. For me, Rockabilly and noise are the same thing, I can barely tell them apart. The rockabilly explosion of the 50’s was partly co-axed into existence by the emergence of cheap technology. For the first time ever members of the public could buy a tape machine and a microphone. All they had to do was plug it in (in the toilet or anywhere that had good natural echo/ reverb) make up some business cards for their new venture – CHEAP LOCAL STUDIO, ARTISTS WELCOME. And what artists did these shiny conniptions attract? Beasts from the hills, addicted to sex, violence, and cheap speed, their language functions burnt out by huffing gas and drinking paint-stripper. Unable to form words they beat on guitars and howled, stuttered, yelped. A crazy sound full of emotion and intent. Of course the industry reacted to this with complete aggression. Re-writing history. Tweaking reality. Elvis loses his penis and gets put into a romper suit. He dies, gurgling in his cot. In the early 80’s my sister had a mental breakdown listening to Shaking Stevens. I was downstairs watching Jaws. It was the first time it had ever been on TV. Some people say there is too much noise music. It’s too easy to do. There is no quality control. All these things are what makes noise great and by design – what makes noise Rockabilly.. Here now, for Ed Pincers I will attempt to review noise releases on a regular basis. If you play in a rockabilly band please send me your stuff too.

TAPE NOISE
Tape Noise. That’s a great name. I like those two words. TAPE. NOISE. Sticking them together is doubly good. TAPE NOISE. I’m tempted to dial some random phone numbers and shout it down the line. It’s the kind of thing that could get inside a fella. Bring about a twitch. I am slightly annoyed. Inside the cover is a piece of card containing a phone number and words other than TAPE NOISE. Why? Why water down the message? Dilute and pollute the perfect stream of TAPE NOISE. I am somewhat aghast. Not quite shaking with lividity but simmering. If Tape Noise were to come a-knocking on my door I would sock him on the jaw. On the tape itself there are carefully placed dinosaur stickers. Perfect. If dinosaurs were about today I can guarantee that they would listen to tape noise. Can you imagine dinosaurs listening to Dubstep? Impossible. Laughable. It’s a fairy story. I started this review one million years ago. As a human being I’m strictly unreliable and quite often purely imaginary. Have you read Ron Haylers blog ‘Radio Free Midwhich‘ – You should , it’s the tits. I recently read a review of TAPE NOISE down there in the Midwich, and I learnt new things. Many of which may not be true. So the legend goes all TAPE NOISE tapes are hand made and limited to one copy!!! He shifts them on Ebay. That’s an incredible story. It may have some of you more ‘serious types’ retching out the kitchen window. After all, what’s the point in doing something that is LIMITED TO ONE COPY? Hmmmm depends where you’re orbiting on the matter. I think all music production is stupid, a vain and useless excise. So if TAPE NOISE made a million copies of every tape it would make him a million times stupider. As it is, he’s a smart fella and I like him. But is any of this true? I searched Ebay high and low but only found a copy of a completely unrelated Judie Tzukie album and an issue of ‘Everyday Electronics’ from 1974. Huh? Regardless.

DARREN WYNGARDE